How I Survived A Life Sucking Job
How to still get ahead even though you’re getting ready to get fired
What I thought was going to be one of the best jobs in the world turned out to be one of the worst. During that year, I would go on to lose 20 pounds, become depressed, stressed and have anxiety.
I let a co-worker and the job really get to me. But I did learn along the way and find ways to deal with the situation.
“They said you need to change your email signature and take the senior part off. We don’t do titles like that here.”
“Uhhhh, ok. Who told you to tell me that?” . . . . Crickets.
That’s how things started with my new co-worker, in my new job, almost 5,000 miles away, in a new country. I was hired for a new position as a Sr. Database Administrator, but this guy was telling me not to put the Sr. part in my email signature. When I asked my supervisor about it, he said you put what you were hired as. So keep the senior part. I later asked my co-worker (American) who told him to tell me that, but he never responded to my email.
Into The Lion’s Den
The co-worker in question had been on the job for several years and had built up the database environment himself before I came on the scene. I was hired as an additional Database Administrator because of an increase in projects and general workload. I get it. You put everything together yourself and you have been working alone. But guess what? Things change and management has determined they need more people. Apparently, this guy had some issues in the past because management told me soon after I had been there, after our first argument, that they had been afraid this would happen with whomever they hired. They were afraid he wouldn’t be able to work with someone. Umm, say what!? You knew this was an issue before? Ok.
Let’s see, our first conflict came after just two weeks of me being on the job. My co-worker hadn’t spoken to me at all since the first day, then got mad at me because I hadn’t done something he ‘thought’ he had told me to be doing. Really? You don’t even check in with me every couple days, at least? And, you don’t explain anything about the environment to me that I might need to know. A few days after that, we had an argument over a small insignificant mistake I made on an Excel spreadsheet. It wasn’t even anything to do with database work. He got all excited and talked down to me like I was a child, in front of three other co-workers who also resided in the same room we were in. They were looking at him like “what is wrong with this guy?”
From these initial incidents, I learned that my new co-worker liked to keep to himself, was very anal, OCD, and had very little patience when working with others. If you didn’t do something the way he would have done it, you were wrong and stupid. I thought to myself that he was going to be difficult to deal with, but at the same time, I get along with everyone and he probably just needs some time getting used to working with someone. I would later see the failure of this viewpoint.
After these incidents occurred, I talked to my immediate supervisor about them. He was very understanding and knew the issue was with my co-worker. So he set a meeting with two higher up managers. We all sat down, minus the co-worker, and they apologized for the situation and said they would sit the co-worker down and counsel him.
Despite the managers counseling my co-worker several times, we went on to have many more confrontations and conflicts. Things got to the point where (within 2–3 months) he completely did not talk to me and would not share information he had that was useful/pertinent to me also. If he needed to tell me something, he would email me. Our desks were right next to each other. But that was fine with me because it seemed like every time we talked, it was an argument because he was always getting on me about something he hadn’t told me about before, or just criticizing me in general. So I didn’t feel like talking to him either. At least there would be a “paper trail” if he tried to say one thing to me and then something different to our supervisor, which he later began to do.
He basically began to discredit me to anyone who would listen and would stab me in the back by telling management that I didn’t know anything about Database Administration and would try to blame things on me. By this point, my immediate supervisor had us working on separate tasks to keep the peace. Unfortunately, I was doing more documentation and my co-worker was doing most of the fun and challenging database server work. So I didn’t get much of an opportunity to prove myself. And, no matter how busy he was, he would try to do and control everything so it would look like I wasn’t doing as much.
I became so disheartened. How do you compete or deal with someone like this? I have a family, depending on me for this job. He’s single. So he has no problem working late and staying nights to do maintenance work. I couldn’t even if I tried because he convinced management that he would deal with certain things himself. That cut me off from contributing in those areas. I turned to my supervisor again, but he just kept throwing me into the fire by telling me to keep asking my co-worker for the information I needed. But when I did, he would just give me a useless one word answer. Or he would throw in my face, “You’re a SENIOR DBA. Do what you think is best.” For whatever reason, he did not have that title, so I knew he was jealous of that. And, on multiple occasions he openly complained about not being compensated enough for what he was doing. He took these issues he had with management out on me.
And even though I was talking back to him and setting him straight, because I wasn’t going to let him talk to me in an overly harsh way, it was still nerve racking to me. Here I was, new to the position; he had been there for a few years already. I’m thinking, if it comes down to it and we can’t get along, they might just get rid of me. And that meant I would have to go back to the states, possibly at my own cost since the company had paid to ship me and my family and all of our belongings there.
As time went on, the upper management just became tired of the situation and me always running to them when something happened. I quickly picked up on that and so stopped going to them anymore. I basically just emailed my supervisor when something happened between me and my co-worker so he at least had my side of the story. I was looking at other possible jobs, but I couldn’t apply to them yet until I had been on the job a year. Otherwise, I would have to pay back the money my company paid to ship me over. Potentially tens of thousands of dollars.
There’s Gotta Be A Better Way
So I was having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns because I didn’t think I could last a year, let alone another six months. It was so stifling that I actually began to make simple mistakes at work. That really did a number on me as far as causing self-doubt. And, I couldn’t concentrate on getting things done at home and with my family. My relationship with my wife suffered because we just weren’t as close. All I could think about was work, how much I hated it, and how much I dreaded having to go in the next day. If it was the weekend, I couldn’t enjoy it because all I could think about was having to go back on Monday morning. Did I say I was miserable?
Eventually, I started doing some research about negativity in the workplace and dealing with difficult co-workers. But I also just thought about things and how I could make myself look better on the job and in my situation. And that way, I might be able to survive long enough to be able to get out. Or who knows, maybe HE will leave. He openly talked about taking jobs in other locations all the time. So I went about making sure I did a thorough job on the main project I was working on. And then, I made sure to make others aware of what I was doing and how well I was doing it.
One of the really good things I was doing also, was documentation. So I was writing up a bunch of stuff I had to do that had just been in my co-worker’s head. He was too busy to write them down. And anytime I overheard him talking about something important I would write it down, follow up on it with other people, and then type it up. There were many things that I was able to find out about by reaching out to others in our shop and spending time with them. That helped me gain the environmental knowledge I needed, since my co-worker didn’t want to tell me anything. I also did what I could to help the people I was spending time with and learning from. This helped tremendously by giving me confidence now that I had some of the same knowledge my co-worker did. I was not flying blind anymore. And, I was building relationships with other people. So they quickly got their own impression of me and realized I was knowledgeable and a nice guy and a hard worker. This circumvented the character assassination my co-worker was trying to do.
These efforts and some other things I did helped quite a bit. I started having some ‘not so bad’ days. Time was passing and I was surviving. But then a new Program Manager came along. This is the person that is in control of the entire contract. As soon as this new PM came in, my co-worker set about buttering her up. It was so obvious. But he had no scruples. He didn’t care. I realized, he really wanted me out of there. Oh, by the way, I learned there were a few others before me. And I learned that he used the same basic excuse for them as well, saying they didn’t know what they were doing.
So now that he was ‘rubbing up against’ this new PM, I started to get anxious and depressed some more. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would “all out” complain about me to her. So I started documenting some more stuff about my issues with my co-worker, assuming that she would want to talk to me about it one day soon. And, my supervisor was expecting this as well. That she would talk to him first, and he could kind of set the tone and let her know what had been going on in the past. But that never happened.
My research also brought me to some things I could do to lessen my anxiety and stress levels. I started using some meditation apps on my iPhone. I started doing a little yoga. I tried to do some exercise (7-minute workout). And, I just prayed about things, not just for what I was going through. But for other issues and other people’s wellbeing also. Even though I didn’t spend a ton of time with these activities, they helped a lot. They helped me to temporarily get out of the dark murkiness of my work situation enough so that I could relax and re-focus on what I needed to do to get myself out of the negative situation. It helped me to keep in mind that one day this would all be over. One way, or another. Obviously, I was focusing on making things work out the way I needed them to.
A Breath Of Fresh Air
So more time went on and luckily for me now, I was at about the tenth month of my contract. So I started looking at jobs again. I found a job on a company’s career website and applied to it. I waited for a few days and then heard back pretty quickly. They wanted to interview with me. Luckily, the position was at the same location as where I was currently working. A different building, though. So that meant I would be able to meet the people face to face. At this point, I was going to be very skeptical of the people for any new job. Also, it would mean, if I got the job, nothing would change for me as far as having to move to a new location or something. But anyway, this gave me a lot of hope, obviously. And, it was a really great sounding position. It would allow me to get out of doing just database administration and get into other things in addition to database development. Also, I was hoping that I would be able to hand in my two weeks’ notice, so that my last day would fall on the day of me being there for a full year. That would be the earliest I could get out of this life sucking job.
So I met with two people for the interview, at the local coffee shop. They were very cool, and the job sounded even better after talking with them. The meeting went longer than expected. This was great! The next step was to wait for them to get back to me, which they did the next day. They wanted to move forward. Amazing! So the next step was to speak with the Program Manager for this new contract. I received his call, later that day I believe, and spoke to him further about the position and the contract. Everything sounded good. Then he tells me I should take a day or two to sleep on it. What!? Are you kidding me? I want the job! I want to get out of hell, please. I didn’t say all that. He just wanted me to take the time to think about it and make sure I was making the right decision. I told him I would get back to him the next day with my decision.
So, of course, I called him back early the next day and let him know that YES, I want the position. Great. So now the next step was to start providing them with all of my information. It’s not over yet. I still had to get approved for certain things. I was still looking at about another month to get final approval. Talk about being on pins and needles. And even if I got the job, it looked like my start date could get pushed back, and I would have to suffer a little more before ‘getting out’ (Yeah, it WAS like prison). I had the opportunity to escape within my reach. However, if things didn’t go through, I was back at the drawing board. So I still applied to other jobs just in case.
I was in the home stretch with the new job. There had been a snag that caused a week delay, but now I was waiting on the final word. So, unbeknownst to me, my co-worker was working his ugly black magic with the new PM. Indeed, he had been complaining about me. Out of the blue, one of the upper managers called me down to his office. After arriving, he tells me that he just wants to let me know that I am going to be getting a phone call from HR about my job performance. Wait, what? My job performance? There have been no issues with my job performance. No one has talked to me about any problems or deficiencies. Where is this coming from? He had no answers. Just said wait for the call. I was leaving early that day so they would have to call me the next day. Great! I went back to my office in complete fear mode. What the hell? And did I mention this was happening while my immediate supervisor was out on vacation? The one guy that knows the most about my co-worker and all of what has been going on. Why was this conveniently happening now?
Even though my supervisor was on vacation, I decided to give him a call about what was going on. He had been real helpful during the year with dealing with my co-worker. He proved to be a great help with this issue as well. He actually helped me draft up some talking points and reviewed them with me, in anticipation of the HR call. He also said he was going to address management for jumping over him with getting HR involved.
Well I didn’t get the call the next day. I did get an email asking when would be a good time to call. But I was just thinking, I wish the new job would get back to me and say I was approved so I can just get out of this place. So now it was Friday and I had to wait till later in the day to talk to them because of the time difference. Finally, I went home and then called HR from home myself.
When I got through to the HR person, she first asked, “Do you report to (Upper Manager)?” Umm, no I don’t. I don’t even see him on a regular basis. I report to (immediate supervisor), who happens to be out on vacation right now. And I know he would have been here for this, if he knew it was happening. But, obviously, management has jumped over him. The HR woman was very surprised by this. But she continued with the call and let me know that the reason for the call was that management wanted to put me on a PIP (performance improvement plan), due to my work performance. I said what? What do you mean? I’ve never been talked to before about any problems with my job performance.
You are supposed to have previously been given a written ‘warning’ twice before having to do a PIP. In fact, I HAD gotten several kudos emailed to me, which I shared with my supervisor. What exactly was wrong with my work performance? Again, she was surprised by this. She couldn’t give me a reason. It’s like she was being told to do something and didn’t even know why. So she said she would discuss it with management and follow up with me in an email.
Later that day, I got an email from her saying she talked to management about it and that they would discuss it among themselves and get back to me. To me, this sounded like she talked to them and they realized they couldn’t just jump straight to a PIP, especially without prior written issues, and without my immediate supervisor.
So, I was going to have to wait through the weekend to find out what they wanted to do with me. I surmised that my co-worker had complained to the new PM, and she was willing to just blindly go ahead with his suggestion of starting the process of getting rid of me without even hearing my side of things. I had no doubt in my mind that even if I was put on a PIP, I would still be let go for unsatisfactory job performance, no matter how well I did. And, I would probably be given only 30 days to ‘improve’. The PIP would just be used for the beginning of a termination process. My stomach was in knots, worried that they might let me go before I could secure another job. Especially, because my family was depending on me. And my daughter’s education was dependent on me having this job, because they were paying for her school. Would this ever end?
Eventually, Monday morning rolled around. I wondered what they would tell me that day. Apparently nothing. A nervous wreck, nobody ever said anything to me. This day marked the one year point of my job. I had hoped I would have been able to hand in my notice two weeks ago. I hadn’t heard anything about the potential new job yet. This really sucked. I had to roll home with the biggest pit ever in my stomach. Did I mention I wasn’t eating much these days?
So when I got home, I opened up the old laptop to do some more job hunting and see if the pending job contacted me about something else they needed. Holy crap! I had an email from the new job saying I was accepted, everything was complete, and I could hand in my two weeks’ notice. But what do I do about the situation at work? I wanted to hear what they had to say about my work performance and see if they would go through with the PIP. But then I thought why? If they are willing to try something like this, why stick around any longer to see what else they would do. Obviously the new PM had been corrupted within a couple months. Plus, she cursed like a sailor. Very unprofessional.
Jail Break!
So I made my decision. I would hand in my two weeks’ notice the next day. I called my supervisor again to give him the curtesy of letting him know my decision now, instead of three days after the fact when he came back. And again, my supervisor was very helpful. Helping me craft a resignation letter that was professional yet explanatory of my reasons. One, I was leaving due to a negative working relationship with my co-worker. And two, I was leaving due to the unsubstantiated initiation of a PIP. I wanted this in my HR record and for management to possibly be held responsible for it. Although I didn’t really think anything would come of it.
I felt so relieved after making my decision. And so was my family. Even though I’m still not sure if they fully realized the toll this job had taken on me, as I am the type to internalize things and not show any pain. As soon as I got into work the next morning, I emailed my supervisor and management my two weeks’ notice. Then happily went about my daily tasks. I heard nothing the rest of that day.
The next day (Wednesday), I came in and again went about my daily tasks for a couple of hours. Then at some point, I got an access denied error message while trying to log into a server I had to check. That’s strange. I was just logged into a different one a minute ago. I tried aother one. Denied. Alrighty then. So I called up the group that manages server accounts and asked them if anything was going on or were there any server problems. They notified me that my server accounts had been disabled and the notes said for further information, I would have to contact management. Wow! Ain’t that some sh*t. Usually when people hand in their notice, they still keep working with their accounts up until the day they leave. But apparently, these Neanderthals decided they didn’t want me doing any more work for the next two weeks. My fear previously was that they would try to work me to death before I left.
My co-worker heard me on the phone with them. So after I got off, he said that yeah, they were turning off my accounts, but if I needed anything he could get me in. What would I need? I said, what about doing my daily checks and tasks. He said oh, don’t worry about doing that anymore. He would take care of it. Really. So they are just going to let me sit here for the next two weeks, not doing anything? SWEET! I have no problem with that. Of course, when my supervisor got back from his vacation, he told me I should just work on leisurely finishing up some documentation. He was always looking out for what could be done.
Then, about fifteen minutes later, I got a phone call from the mid level managers of the group that handles the server accounts. They asked if I had a moment to come over and talk to them. I said, ahhhh yeah, ok. Oh crap! Were they gonna take my ID badge and kick me out? I didn’t know what to think, except the worse. So I went over to another building, on campus, to their office. When I got there, it was my supervisor and the two mid level managers. They proceeded to tell me that they were sorry for what happened with my accounts being shut off so quickly and hastily. It was not their idea. Upper management made them do it. They said they were sorry and hoped there were no bad feelings from me, and they would have handled it differently. Wait what!? Wow. I didn’t expect this.
They were apologizing and told me that they understood my difficult situation with my co-worker and still regarded me as a good employee. They didn’t agree with what management had done. And then my supervisor chimed in and said that he told them I posed no possible malicious intent. So there was no reason to cut off my accounts. But he said they didn’t want to listen. I think that was their way of getting back at me for calling them out on the PIP to HR. But I don’t understand how they thought that would hurt me in any way. Oh well. This was great news, though. I felt somewhat vindicated.
As word spread of my leaving, people came out of the woodwork asking me about available jobs where I was going and also telling me about their similar issues with co-workers or their supervisors and or management. It has continued to this day, and I have been gone for over nine months. Many people have left since then. I think I was the catalyst for people to finally stand up and decide they were not going to sustain being in a very toxic environment anymore. I talked to a lot of people about what they should do, where they could go for resources, jobs, etc. And just letting them know they COULD leave, or at least demand more respect. There were other opportunities available. But things have just continued to get worse.
Before I left, I did contact the company’s ethics department and reported what had happened to me and that there was absolutely no evidence or information supporting what management wanted to do to me with the PIP. And, that I was a victim of a known negative co-worker issue. I told them there were others having similar issues and they told me to feel free to direct others having problems to their department. And I did. Whether anything has been done about these issues, I have no idea. I wouldn’t hold my breath. But at least they can speak up for themselves like I did, and hopefully a lot sooner than I did.
Because of what happened to me, I started a podcast called Getting Ahead At Work Life, which will be available Wednesday, December 13th. Then a little later on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. I created it to have discussions about these kinds of workplace negativity issues. I will be occasionally interviewing brave people who are having problems on the job. I want to help other people going through similar situations. I want to help suggest strategies, tactics, and various resources one could use to alleviate or get out of a toxic environment. And, I would like to do it together, with input from listeners.
Don’t settle. Take care.
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